Thursday, October 25, 2007

Monster in law


Anthony told me he had cancer so that I wouldn’t dump him, I told him never to come near me again and swore that I would never commit to a guy who has less integrity than I have and who thinks that aluminum touring style wings are "Pimping". Anthony got a fourteen year old pregnant and is now awaiting the birth of his illegitimate brat.

Then came another chapter that I dare not cover here because I just might want to chew off my arm and hit myself with the stump.
However out of this 11month long pit of hell my current relationship was born.

Stiffla was ,to me, the proverbial silver lining around a very dark cloud.
I am not gonna get into the details today because I have a strict no gooey squishy post clause. All that I am going to say is that Stiffla doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body, he would never cheat (primarily because he wouldn’t know a flirt if it walked up to him and sexually molested him in the street) and we have never had a fight because of his completely docile nature. I scream he listens till I feel better then offers me a beer.

However our fairy tale is far from perfect…..Enter devil woman….. Stiffla’s mother is as close to the spawn of hell as you will ever get.
When we moved in together she threatened to get the priest to come talk to us about our sins.
This is no joke people she really really did saying that “living together before getting married is against Gods will” she only changed her mind when Stiffla explained that she better get a damned good priest cos he will be walking right into my playground.

After that I made the cardinal mistake of inviting the battle axe and the rest of the family to our flat for Stiffla’s birthday…
I was polite to the old Hag, swore at Willem and Dan (the brothers) and joked with Stiffla’s dad.
All went well….well at least that’s what I thought.
Unfortunately I was about to find out that years of elective unemployment (sitting on your but at home with nobody to talk to but the maid) has nursed a love of gossip in the woman.
Promptly at eight the following morning Stiffla got a phone call from the witch to explain to him that she saw dust in the flat and that she couldn’t believe that I was forcing the poor dear to do his own ironing and washing.
For Stifflas sake she said that she would come and pick up his washing and have it done fore him.

I choked on my coffee, I swore ,my lord, did I swear and when I had recovered my composure I politely told him that he could tell his mother to go Fuck herself in no uncertain terms.

Ladies and gents I work a 8:00 to 17:00 I come home, I cook and then I relax.
Obviously this woman was expecting me to quit my job so that I could wait hand and foot on her little angel.
I would rather die than become some guys maid.
I am very sorry, Stiffla was forced into domestication boot camp the second he walked into my door and I am proud to say that he cooks, Irons and washes cloths like a pro now.


Anyway the whole thing blew over and she said sorry.
Unfortunately a sewer rat doesn’t change its spots and the Troll pitched up at my house on my birthday.
Uninvited I might add.
I was doing the washing and Stiff was fixing the roof, Will was playing PC games and even poked his head out his room to say hi (we haven’t seen that much movement from him on a weekend since….)
I made a huge effort to be accommodating considering the setting.
I offered cold dink and chatted to his dad and his mom but apparently my efforts were found wanting….

On Monday the news reaches me via my trusty munchkin Will that I made her feel unwelcome.

Now the fact that she sure as hell wasn’t welcome is irrelevant, the fact that I was singled out while her sons barely acknowledged that she was there, highlights the fact that she is out to get me.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!

Anyway in dew time she will be told that I am not interested in her plastic friendship and she can spare her sorry for someone who gives a shit.
I will not be the victim of her board narrow little mind.
I am even considering not inviting her in the wedding.

By the way if any of you are gonna tell me that by posting this I am just as bad as she is…. I object this woman is an amateur at bitchyness compared to me

13 comments:

Glugster said...

Bitch! Not you, MIL.

You should invite her to the wedding. It will irritate her more! Oh, and make sure you don't wear a white wedding dress!! LOL

Gremlin said...

Now thats a long storry....

I have no comment....

Claudia said...

Oh, that's funny!! talk about a high maintenance clinging mom!! makes it tempting to show her exactly what unwelcome means!!!

The CEO said...

I needed to take lessons from you. I can cook, clean, etc., but I am light on the bitchy part. I need to fi;; that in.

123Valerie said...

Oh my. Sounds like the priest needs to talk with her about her sins. Gossip, judging ... tsk, tsk.

ShadowFalcon said...

Well you did well to get away from Anothony. But this women is something else!

angel said...

what a cow!!! holy crap!!! i'm glad you got stiffla out when you did...

JR's Thumbprints said...

Sounds like the typical mother-in-law to me. Good luck on that one.

Fish said...

Tell the bitch, you have a friend in ex. Yugoslavia, who is going to visit South Africa in the next year, and who will be pleased to demonstrate her, how we use to punish people during the war in Bosnia. How does cutting of fingers, ears,...sound to you.(ofcourse rape is out of the question, I have a strict policy, not to rape women older than 35). Anytime girl

etain_lavena said...

whahahahah.....my sister has a bad battle axe herself, I could not stand that woman......I hope when I meet the man of my dreams his mom is not to bad...I have enough days of our lives to last me a lifetime....whahhwhahaha....tell her straight.
HUGZ

My Reflecting Pool said...

this is good stuff. Hold onto it because she is presenting her good side here. Wait until you are married and she really lets you have it in her sick and twisted little ways. By then, you'll be family and, well, let me just extend my appologies.

My mother in law is bad because of her lack of emotion, involvement and brutally dismisssive way. My mother is certifiably insane, so, my sister and I feel terrible for our sister in law.

Something about a son that some moms just can't let go of. Sorry dear.

Odat said...

That was a great post...sorry for you that you had to withstand the bitch...but get it out...it's good to share!!
Peace

Crankster said...

Do what I do--be incredibly polite to her, and say nice things about her to Stiffla. If she offers to do laundry, tell her that you like your shirts with medium starch. Invite her to everything and go out of your way to make pleasant comments about her appearance.

This, of course, won't make her stop being a bitch. It will, however 1)make you look like a rock star, 2)give you hours of fun as you watch her try to figure out your game, 3)erase any question about who the bitch is in this particular relationship, and 4)keep Stiffla from feeling like he's being torn between the two women in his life.