Thursday, December 04, 2008

why men and woman dont work

I want you to look out of your window just for a moment and marvel at wonders of nature. Pay attention to how every part of our world performs all its functions like clockwork as it should each day.
There are no flaws in the engineering no glitches in the production line.
Now sit back down, because I’m about to ruin it for you.

There are few reasons I firmly believe in Darwin’s evolutionist theories most of which I won’t get into now because I have a point to prove and a very short attention span to do it in.
What was I saying……?
Oh yes evolution.
I believe in evolution because it is my only hope for mankind.
In stark contrast to the smooth flawless workings of the rest of nature, mankind sticks out as a project that might not have been as well thought out.
Childbirth I believe is glittering example of this flaw in our engineering. (Yes it’s a miracle and we were designed to do that I know, but for crying in a bucket surely there are better design options).

Another example is the relationship between men and woman.
I understand that I have just offended every boy band, soap star, teenage girl, Cosmo reader, hopeless romantic, Emo and self help book writer within a 100mile radius, but before you start torching the stake and waving your pitchforks at me again, give me fair chance to explain my reasoning.

Just like child birth, heterosexual relationships can be equated to trying to get a 70mm bolt through a 30mm nut.
“Iemand gaan sy moer strip”
And so when said nut meets said bolt and instinct dictates that the job needs to be done we begin a process of grinding, banging (granted the banging isn’t that bad), pushing, forcing manipulating, twisting and bitching their way into a fit.
This process is generally referred to a relationship.

Lately I have been a fly on the wall to some rather interesting relationships. Most of these relationships are hanging on by the skin of their knees, some have just started, some have just ended and some are destined to fail.
But all of these misshaped trysts have one thing in common and that is a lack of basic understanding of the person opposite you.

Don’t dare count me an expert, I lack the human compassion I would need to sugar coat my theories with.
However I do have perspective, I am a woman among men. I have fought for my right to be there and thrive among them because I understand them.
I also recently acquired a female friend and am gaining knowledge on what normal woman want out of life.

So here they are….
Things men and woman should know about relationships (AKA. The Moer strip marathon)

Guys: Hitch was right, no woman wakes up in the morning hoping not to get swept of her feet. Woman are badly influenced by the Hollywood definition of the right guy.
They want to be doted upon. They want to know that you would go out of your way to make her feel special. If you are not willing to go out of your way for her don’t even bother it’s a bad sign.

Girls: Sit down and shut up!
This is a hard lesson to learn but I’m saving you a lot of disappointment by teaching you this.
You want the guy who is gonna bring you flowers he picked himself, give you the cutest nickname, remember you birthday, and your favorite movie, he’l bring you ice-cream when your sad, and call you huggy bear or something equally as cheesy.
He will profess his undying love to you in public and surprise you for no reason.
Hang on I just threw up in my mouth a bit….

Okay, you have been conditioned to want this because Hollywood told you that real men are like that. Hollywood also created superman and the walking dead.
(quite frankly Id rather hook up with the walking dead)

The reality is that men have not yet evolved that far.
You are looking for the thrills and fuss while he wants someone who he can have a good laugh with.
He wants the hunny who can look killer sexy with a 10min bathroom check. But doesn’t have issues being seen in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup on.
He wants you to say screw it lets do it.
He wants to laugh at a dirty joke, and get on with his buddies.
The less complicated you are the better.
Men are like dogs in a way, they want a relaxed life and someone to play with their ball every now and then.

Guys: Nature programmed woman to nurture.
Woman are creatures who crave stability, loyalty and devotion.
When she cooks dinner for you that is a sign of love.
Think about it, this is the 21 century she does not have to iron your shirt, cook your dinner or wash your cloths.
It is purely because she cares for your well being.
Believe me we gain nothing from it.
If you come home late without telling her and your dinner is ruined, that my friend is a sign that you don’t appreciate it. Call if your gonna be late.
If she washes your cloths and you leave them on the floor, that is a sign that you are taking her for granted (remember she does not have to do it)
And when she asks you to help her with the dishes don’t mope look at what she’s done out of pure compassion.
Oh and by the way. When your in a fight about how you don’t appreciate her never ever say that you didn’t ask her to do those things because you should have spoke up sooner.

Girls: As much as you want and need stability in your life, you would do well to understand that men were programmed differently.
Every single man regardless of his age or nature is insecure about his manhood. And freedom is not a negotiable in a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong don’t give him too much freedom.
Everything in moderation.
But stand up for yourself. Tell him from the beginning what you are willing to tolerate and what is not allowed. You cannot expect him follow orders that were never given.
But you must understand that he is not your pet. Let him go out with the guys, Guys remind guys that they are guys.
Let him have a hobby, even if its something you don’t care for.
Your not his mother or his warden.
Don’t check up on him, if he feels you don’t trust him he will feel smothered and a smothered man is again like a dog… he will find a hole in the wall no matter how high you build that wall.

GUYS!: This is a big one so listen up!!!!!
Here is the true definition of cheating.
If you are doing something you wouldn’t want her to be doing. You my friend are cheating.
Yes it is end of story.
The fact that you have a dick and the fact that you subscribe to that lame ass excuse that you were born to spread your seeds does not give you more leeway then she gets.

GIRLS by the way the same counts for you.
Don’t ever say that it was because he wasn’t loving you enough.
That just means that you were to spineless and comfortable to leave

GUYS!: a woman with a healthy sex drive and who is self expressive enough to tell you where to get of doesn’t need you, so I can easily see how you might be driven to call her a slut, but be reminded that she doesn’t care

GIRLS: You will not die from dirt, a spanner something you slaughter cows with, Britney spears is not music, “like totally” is not an English expression, one does not wear heels on a fishing trip, nobody cares what your hair looks like and Rugby is not barbaric.
Live a little when your dead youl wish you did.

Guys: those arnt knobs on a TV set Twisting is a big no!!!!!!

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