50 things updated

You know who you are!
I dont want to talk about it!




1. I have been single since April
2. I am fine with it too, it was hard at first because I really didn’t like being alone but now I’m used to it and appreciate the chance to do as I please with my time
3. I wish people would stop asking why I’m single like it’s a disease or like a pretty girl has to have a man for self validation
4. I have developed this tendency for picking up guys who are either married or in steady relationships
5. I have realized that all men want to marry the reserved chicks but reserve the right to play with the wild chicks
6. I believe that female relationships are the reason why females in general have insecurities trust issues and are just generally a pain in my ass
7. At the end of the month I am resigning
8. I am so glad about this because working here has pushed the limits of my professional patience to break point.
9. I have rediscovered my love of all things cars thanks to the drifting.
10. I go to the drifting free practice every Wednesday night and every first Saturday of every month
11. I get the warm and fuzzies when I smell tire smoke.
12. Lately I have started expressing my emotions because I was told you cant bottle things up.
13. this has brought me to realize that I can and should bottle these things up
14. worse than that is the fact that I started sharing things about my life
15. I will never do that again there is a reason why they are private thoughts, because when you release them people find a way to hurt you with them
16. I don’t want to be in a relationship because its gonna compromise my freedom and social life
17. I want to be in a relationship because it will compromise my social life sometimes I go a whole week on 5 hours of sleep
18. I really miss writing but I don’t have the time for it
19. I intend buying a 350z by June next year. I get commission at the new job and I am pretty okay at what I do
20. I have been doing gymkhana lately
21. yes with Giffie
22. I have gotten a new piercing. Its called a hood piercing and only the privileged few will get to see it
23. The tattoo on my back is dedicated to Johan. It’s a sunbird. Johan used to call me Suikerbekkie.
24. I miss him like crazy: I am hanging out with all his old friends lately and they remind me so much of him sometimes, each in his very own way but if you knew Johan like I did you’d be able to clearly see how they influenced one another.
25. I thought I had come to that point where I could live my life without that longing for him make me want to cry every night
26. I cry every night
27. When he died I stopped writing. It was like my words had dried up.
28. Now I miss him so much and I can write again
29. I think I put him in a box and closed it tight; I went from relationship to relationship just so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. Because when I’m alone I have to deal with myself.
30. I wish someone would love me like he did again
31. And I hope that this time I will be deserving of such love and devotion.
32. I’ve started wearing his ring again
33. This Christmas is the first one in 11 years that I will be alone
34. That doesn’t bother me
35. I want to get a tattoo for my dad I was thinking something that says “daddies little girl” or “beloved” my dads name was David it means “beloved”
36. Stiffla has a new girl friend. I’m happy for him but the fact that I was thinking of getting back together with him before he found her grinds me
37. Grinds me doesn’t mean I’m annoyed, I don’t get angry anymore or sad for that matter. Its just that silly little thought that you cant get rid of and keeps popping into your head for no reason. Its kina like having a Rottweiler hump your leg
38. either way I am happy for him
39. I am having IM sex with one of my clients
40. I have learnt to live with facebook
41. I started to learn HTML but quit cos I don’t have time
42. I didn’t consider this when I said I was registering for my Bcom banking
43. I am gonna have to compromise on that social life
44. the nicest guy I have met since I’ve been single has this MOERSE personality flaw his married and will pretty much hump anything that stands still long enough
45. I wish I cared or even felt deprived any emotion regarding my love life would be nice
46. I went to a sex shop the other day and I can spend my whole salary there
47. I cant walk past a perfume shop lately without going in
48. and coming out smelling like a baby prostitute
49. its great to be me Because I really don’t give a Fuck
50. Regardless of all my issues I still rock and love my life

doors

In arches and in frames
For homes for houses
Rusty and creaky al covered in briar brambled knots
Pretentious cloaks that hide what within rots

We paint them red we paint them black
With locks with windows knockers and knobs
We lock them we use them to keep the frightening out
They will swallow and they will hide the things we say when we shout

They stand ajar
Or welded shut
They keep out the winds bitter cut
At bay be the night cold
They shelter their wards from malignant hold
Our souls are safer kept
By the doors we put up

sweet you smile
your time nearly up
fill my ears with your toxic bile
soon I shal sip deeply from your cup

For flesh our knives do thirst
you beat that drum that called me to war
revel now for I shall bury you for your tryst
just earth and sliance no ceremony for a whore


and in your final through
as darkness suffocates
you will then know
my hand your fall did orchastarte

by unknown 2002

bottels are safe

On more than occasion I have been called cold. I have been told that I bottel things up, that I should talk about it.
It was only recently that I realised that everybody was right. I do internalise things. No I dont talk about how I feel and yes I do bottel things up. And this is how I realised that a sleeping dragon in the earths core is less distructive than a rampant fire breathing bitch on the surface.

Yes people I did it.
I started talking about it, and every time I voiced a fear a concern a need a want it stripped away my armour and left me vulnerable.
It seems that tears weeken the spine.

I stew when I talk about anger, I may be slightly annoyd but by the time I have talked about it my anger would feed the fires of hell.
Sadness verbalised can drive me to suicide and I will not event begin to discribe the desadter braught of by verbalising a crush.

I am not gonna talk about this.
My lesoon was hard learnt. when I say leave me the Fuck alone do yourself a favour leave me the fuck alone.
next year is a new begining and I have a few scores to settle.